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FollowHave you ever found yourself befuddled at people not understanding exactly what you expect of them? Have you ever tried your hardest to make someone see where they were “going wrong,” thinking that if they could only see through your eyes they would be able to solve their problems? Have you ever found yourself wanting something better for a friend or relative than what they seem to want for themselves?
Granted, other people may not have had the unique life experiences we have had, nor share the “great mind” and extensive knowledge that we possess;-). However, I am sure there is something to be learned from looking at the expectations we have for ourselves … as well as those we have for others. A saying that comes to mind when I ponder this is: “I let go of insanity when I let go of the idea that I can control another person” … even when this means advising them to do what seems the BEST thing they can do! While this article won’t be exactly about expectations (that will be another article… so please don’t worry if you’re chomping-at-the-bit for that info) this is about the difficulty of Not Owning other peoples’ problems.
Those of you who serve, volunteer, mentor, or simply try to “live life” in a helpful way may understand exactly where I’m coming from. Maybe you sometimes find yourself mentally or emotionally worn out from doing more for others than you do for yourself. If so, you might ask yourself a question: “Am I doing things for other people because I don’t think they can do these things for themselves? Am I exhausting myself trying to be helpful because I actually think they’re unable to help themselves?” For myself, I know there are times I’ve been guilty of this – thinking that if I just said something differently … if I just gave a little more … if only I tried harder, then I could help my friend or loved one see the “error of their ways.”
The fact is … we cannot give answers to anyone who is not ready to ask him/her-self the question! When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. But trying to give advice or “answers” for problems that someone has not yet recognized will never really help them get where they need to be (or—for that matter–where we think they need to be). Instead, that’s a sign we’re subconsciously Owning Their Problem. Better to let go of the notion of what someone should do or where they should be and let them discover it for themselves … so then they can “Own It” for themselves. Maybe I should take this thought just one step further, it is ok to give suggestions or hints of things you see, but when we keep pestering, nagging, or forcing someone to make the change because we think it is in their best interest, the outcome will usually always be the same…resistance.
A memory of mine that comes to mind frequently is when I would sit at the dinner table, just grandpa and I, as he would reminisce about stories from boot camp days in the army. “Chris, you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to, but you sure can make them wish they did,” as he would talk about how “encouraging” the drill instructors were. Maybe this isn’t the best story, but it makes me laugh at how sometimes we can be just like drill instructors, forcing people to do things they are not ready for yet, or even what they may never want. No one wants to be told what to do. Instead of telling/forcing our opinions upon others, what if we looked at how we can help this person get to the root of figuring it out for themselves? What would happen if we were supportive and respective of their present struggles first and left the judgment at the door?
For example, though I believe my mission in life is to serve and help others, I sometimes wonder if my “helpfulness” might not be experienced as so “helpful” to the other person … as when I help someone without their asking for it. At such times they may subconsciously get the message that “Chris must not believe I can do this on my own… and maybe he’s right, since I’ve doubted it myself.” Yet that is exactly opposite to what I actually believe! Rather I want to empower others to face their own issues and help them discover their own solutions…to help them Own their problem. But my overzealous “helpfulness” may mean that, in effect, I am owning it for them and inadvertently disempowering them, even though my intentions are the best.
What might happen if we looked at helping others from the viewpoint that each person knows better than anyone else who they are and who they want to become and therefore are most capable of acknowledging and being fully accountable for the issues and problems they face? Wow! That was a lot to process huh??? Now say that 3 times fast! When we have a friend or relative who seems to need help, what if we simply tried to show that we believed in them … maybe even more than they are able at the moment to believe in themselves? Might this eventually result in a different attitude from this person, a different confidence level on their part, and maybe even a different relationship between us…one built on trust and belief in them? A research study I once read about seems to bear this out, as it showed how employee performance-level and job-satisfaction increased when employers “believed in” their employees’ competency, whether this “belief” was expressed verbally or only silently!
I think the question we should keep asking ourselves as we try to help people is “am I owning this person’s problem more than they are?” And if the answer is “yes,” the next question we might ask ourselves is, “Why?” Undoubtedly we all have enough problems of our own to worry about! I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s problems. And if we’re honest with ourselves, we can even recognize this type of helpfulness as a “controlling” behavior. Control is actually a form of fear. Subconsciously we think that if we can make this person be who we want, then they will be like us and we won’t feel alone in the way we act, think or believe. However, if our “helping” is done from a true position of selfless love, that means letting the person be who they are–not who we want them to be. And a key aspect to this kind of love and helpfulness is our awareness that they first have to own their problems. Only then, if they desire it, can we be there for them to help along the way.
So next time we set out to help someone, it might be best to honestly question our motives. For instance, I say to myself now, “Am I truly helping this person or am I rather trying to own their problem?” Of course, we all need help from time-to-time, and we usually like to lend a caring hand to others when appropriate. I know that the truest way to reach our intended potential is through connection, not isolation. Yet I also know that the best way to show love is by letting go of any subconscious need to own another’s problems, to change them into a reflection of myself, in other words–to control them. I can love them best by believing in them…believing that they are powerful enough within themselves to recognize and own their problem when the time is right. And I can help them best by “being there” for them once they realize they need support. I believe it is vital to “give myself fully” in the service of others, but only if my motive is the right one will my efforts result in true service or helpfulness, and true fulfillment of my goal!
© 2011 Chris O’Hearn all rights reserved
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Thank you Ahmad. We appreciate you taking the time to read our blog and also comment. Working on getting one out every week, but as the moment with starting up things and other ventures, it will be at least once a month, but will be working on getting them out more regularly. Stop by again sir!
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Chris
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